Namaste Readers,
Alright, token attempt at cultural equality complete, now down to business. The past few weeks have been very crazy with S/TP graduating from high school, and rain every day the week before prohibiting us from embarking upon a mission, but we are back in action now and will hopefully be uninhibited for the remainder of the summer….hopefully…
Despite all of stupid graduation related shit S/TP had to do last week we did manage to fit in a trip to Wellman’s on Ingersoll (we have to clarify the location because the new Wellman’s opened in West Glen this weekend.)
This trip was unique from the biking standpoint because we have just been dying (haha) to try out the new bike lanes on Ingersoll. Despite the fact that we would consider ourselves champions of reckless urban bike riding even we cannot condone this death trap.
We had reservations about speeding down a fairly main street in Des Moines in a half lane dedicated solely to bikers and full of dashed lines, but we know that as journalists we must take risks, and stay up to the minute with urban/environmental development.
We must also mention we dislike this stupid sudden infatuation all you faux hippies have with “going green”, so much so that sometimes I even ask them to triple up on the plastic sacks at Dahls, and am excited tons of oil is leaking into the Gulf. So, any attempt to make less room for our non fuel efficient clunker worthy status SUV is going to be met with some resistance from us here at RorF… and just kidding about the oil thing that is actually fucking terrible and we do recycle and bring our own green bags….geeze
Politics aside…the Bike Lanes
S/TP was almost certain this would be the last photo of her ever taken; she then proceeded to ask if I would make sure she was buried in her graduation gown. I told her no because then we would not get the deposit back. Tassel burial only. She lived.
But was nail biting the whole time...
We started at 42nd and Ingersoll to get the full bike lane experience. It was mainly a scary experience. We had no idea what any of the markings meant, S/TP insisted on saying a Hail Mary every time the lines were dashed, and we had to stop at red lights right next to cars looking like true assholes. Actually, the stopping next to cars at red lights was sort of fun and funny because we could really creep in on people. We tried to take a picture but we never had enough time to remove photo machine from supply pack.
Then we got to Wellman’s. We decided not to go on their Thursday $5 and two beer minimum all you can eat wing night because we tend to agree that sometimes wings mass produced for the all-you-can-eat crowd tend to be a little lower in quality then if you were to go at say Wednesday at 3pm.
So we ordered two orders of wings, one hot and one regular. They also offered a BBQ and a teriyaki option which we did not choose. We sat on the patio, which, as we have previously mentioned, adds fly consideration to any establishment because eating wings outside is just a great treat. Plus the weather is just starting to get magnificent. Ha magnificent.
The wings however were really not that great of a treat.
The Bad
1. They had a very rubbery skin, which is probably one of our least favorite wing elements. Not crispy at all. It really brought to mind the image of the rubber chicken
2. The size of the wings. The drums would have been matched nicely if the Bud Light was served in thimbles. They were that small. I could type up like hundreds of jokes and metaphors about small things but I will spare you all.
The “We Can’t Agree”
1. The sauce. This was a huge point of disagreement between S/TP and I. I think I only liked the sauce because it was pretty much just Frank’s Red Hot (which I Love) with butter, vinegar, and red pepper flakes. The only difference between the hot and the regular was the presence of the red pepper flakes. S/TP said if this was the first time she had ever had wings she would never have them again. We then thanked the Holy Golden Girls in Heaven this had not been the course her life had taken.
In reality these were pretty much just average wings you could get at any bar in America with a fryer, a frozen appetizer sales representative, and some hot sauce. I didn’t hate them, S/TP did, but she is just a dumb kid who hasn’t been to college yet….
Some good things about this trip
1. Patio
2. Good Ratio of drums to wings
3. Cold Bud Lights
4. The lady sitting behind us who was clearly meeting someone for what we think was a date. While waiting she slugged a beer super quickly, then he arrived and ordered two…LONG ISLAND ICE TEAS…..which is funny in itself and she pounded that, then had one more brew, looked at her watch and goes to the guy “Wow I really need to leave to go pick up my daughter at Girl Scouts”
We openly cracked up for about 3 minute as we watched her speed away from the baffled date/associate and we hope that this was a line of the “I need to go feed my cat” variety and that she wasn’t really going to pick up her child after pounding three cocktails at 3 pm…but to each their own I guess.
Speaking of reckless drinking habits and kids, our friend Teacher X met us to weigh in and she said that the wings were not of high enough quality to qualify as an “after school snack”….which apparently teachers are entitled to and have certain quality requirements… who the fuck knows? She does teach in a Des Moines Suburb that will remain unnamed (but just know it sucks) so her opinion must also be regarded with a drop of hot sauce as they say.
Teacher X Giving a Thumbs Down
Verdict:
Five Flies
To End we will quote our wise Uncle F who said “I am all for the bike lanes on Ingersoll, as long as I am in a car.”
See you next week….we are thinking Hooters because we hear as far as a national chains go they have the breast wings…wow sorry.
